Give a Heart

I've had my share of heartache in a lifetime, more than most people will EVER begin to imagine.  But my heartache is nothing compared to what my friend, Sandy, is going through right now.  Literally HEARTACHE.  I've known Sandy for many years, I've witnessed the suffering and effects of cancer first hand with her, but through it all she has stayed so positive.  

In 2002, while we were working together, she was diagnosed with Non-Hodgkin's Lymphoma.  It was then that she told me that it wasn't her first battle with cancer.  In 1983 she was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma and underwent radiation.  How could anyone suffer from so much?  That was my question.  Why the hell would this happen to ONE person?!  From experience (my brother died of testicular cancer), when you receive the news of cancer, you will do ANYTHING to fight it and I mean anything.  You will let doctors inject you with drugs that cause sores in your mouth, drugs that make you vomit for days on end, drugs that will put blisters on your hands and feet.  Sometimes these doctors will suggest radiation therapy. Radiation is delivered by a machine and uses high end radiation to shrink or kill cancer cells.  Each part of the body can only undertake so much radiation before it causes damage to healthy cells in the body.  These drugs and this type of therapy will also fight the beast and eventually, hopefully you will be in remission and will go on to live a happy, healthy life.  Sandy received very high doses of radiation to her chest during her first battle with cancer.  

Since her 2nd diagnosis of cancer Sandy has undergone a stem cell transplant where very high doses of chemo were given to her.  You see where I'm going with this?  cancer patients will do ANYTHING to live a healthy life, they will undergo every treatment known in the medical field and sometimes even participate in medical studies to cure this monster living inside of them.  Like so many others she is a true fighter and has been for MANY years.  But because of her strength and desire to live a healthy, happy, long life, so much damage has been done to her heart, she now has to have a heart transplant.  A HEART TRANSPLANT!  Your heart, the organ in our bodies that pumps blood, that provides love, that breaks when we are sad.  A HEART TRANSPLANT!  I can't imagine the fear, the worries, or the stress that this has caused her and Dave, but like so many others, she has again decided to fight cancer and is not giving up!  She has been on the heart transplant list for a month now.  I'm not sure what a heart transplant entails, but from following her status updates on Facebook (Sandy) I do know that she has to see many, many doctors, undergo several tests, she has to have dentures prior to her transplant and can no longer work.  This poor girl it makes me feel so helpless, so sad.  I can't imagine how she feels.  

A fund has been set up for Sandy to help cover the expense of a heart transplant.  If you can give anything, anything at all, please consider giving to Sandy.  I've posted the link for you  New Heart for Sandy.  Above all else, please say a prayer for her and Dave as they face these struggles.  These last few days have been extremely hard on her and she could use all the support.  I can't begin to imagine the emotional struggles that come along with deciding to continue to fight cancer and put yourself on a heart transplant list.  Sandy, I pray for you.  I pray for all affected by cancer.  

STAY STRONG SANDY!

<3 Julie

Anything Can be Beautiful - As long as there is love

This week has been a week from hell, mentally that is!  I get this way right before a big event, the stress finally catches up to me and I'm just EXHAUSTED!  I'm off all next week, so work has been extremely busy as well, deadlines to meet, documents to get out, and the list goes on and on.  Ragbrai is Sunday, we've been putting the final touches on getting the beer garden ready for that, new opportunities have opened up with my Vault Denim business or possible opportunities, and you all know how my mind works, oh look at that pretty butterfly.... :)

For those of you who don't know what Rabrai is, welcome to Iowa!  Ragbrai started in 1973 with a few friends riding their bicycle across the State of Iowa, from the Missouri River to the Mississippi River.  Today,  it has become a Worldwide Attraction with more than 20,000 people riding Ragbrai.  Ragbrai is the "Register's Annual Great Bicycle Ride Across Iowa", it is sponsored by the Des Moines Register, a news paper in publication in Des Moines, Iowa.  These riders have a route and they ride between 55-60 miles a day for 7 days, stopping in some of the towns along the way.  Sunday, they will stop in Minden, as it is the meeting town for the support vehicles.  Be prepared for many interesting pictures and stories to come next week on this.  You see Minden has a population of 600 people, so imagine 20,000 riders passing through this small country town!

I'll be spending my time down at the Community Club where we were forced happily decided to have a beer garden. The proceeds will be used for the Little League for new lights on the field.  Let me tell you those lights are in BAD shape and when I say bad, I mean real bad, falling down bad.

So today I needed a break, a break from work, a break from stress, a break from worrying if we have everything ready to go.  I took a walk a few blocks down over my lunch hour.  On my way back, this fountain caught my eye, don't get me wrong, it's not the first time I've stopped to look at it, but today, there was something about it, that said stop and take a picture of me and show me to the world.

So pretty and so peaceful, had it not been 100 degrees with high humidity, I would have stayed more than 2 minutes to enjoy it.

Go enjoy your weekend readers, because I know I will as I'm making friends with thousands of riders!

<3 Julie

Still Coping Three Years Later

I woke up this morning and I thought, okay, today I'm not going to let it affect me.  That lasted all of 7 seconds before the tears filled my eyes.  You see three years ago today, on a day not much different from this, my brother committed suicide.  It's still one of the hardest things to talk about, I cry just mentioning it. I still ask myself all the questions I did that first day.  Why?  How?  Why would he want to leave his family?  I should have called him back sooner.  I should have asked him more questions about how he was feeling instead of always talking about how I was feeling.

Jessie Lee Meza

Suicide is something no one can explain.  No one has the answers to my questions.  I will never understand why.  But, as my then 8 year old son put it just hours after we received the news, I bet if Uncle Jessie knew how sad we would be he wouldn't have done it.  I hang on to those words because I know he is right.  I know my brother, the one person I turned to whenever I needed to talk, would never want to see me so sad.  

Did you know suicide is the 10th leading cause of death by Americans?  And that someone dies by suicide every 13.7 minutes?  I didn't either, until I lost my brother to suicide.  According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention (www.afsp.org) more than 80% of us will lose someone to suicide in our lifetime. Those are all facts I remember each day I'm asked if I have any siblings.  Whenever someone asks what happened, I have trouble saying he committed suicide.

Until something hits home, usually you do not know any of the statistics.  I had to find a way to cope, a way to get through such a tragedy.  Since that day, three years ago, I continuously tell people I love them, I hug a little tighter, I listen a little closer.  I ask if they are ok, if something is bothering them, do you need to talk.  And I continuously tell people, let your loved ones know you care, because you never know who may need to hear it at that moment.

Since my brother's death, I've put together bits and pieces to help me understand why.  You see, my brother Roach died 4 years prior to Jessie's death and just 4 days prior to Jessie's death we buried a cousin, Dustin, who was more like a brother to us.  I believe in my heart, that Jessie missed them so much, that he wanted to be with them, he couldn't stand the fact that he had lost two of his best friends and would have to face the world without them.  At 29 years old, losing not one, but two people you care so much about is a very difficult thing to face and he couldn't do it, he couldn't go on living asking himself, why he survived and they didn't.

Roach H. Meza

Dustin Lee Pearce 

This morning when I woke up I thought I would be okay.  I'm doing better than last year on this day, and even better than the year before, but tears still fall down my cheeks as I recall a memory, read a text message, or hear a song.  But I'm coping better today, than I have the last three years and I will continue to be a strong woman, that I know my brother would want me to be.

Let your friends and family know how much they mean to you - you never know who needs to hear it.  <3 Julie

Smiling Through My Eyes

When you think of love what do you think of?  How do you know what love is?  

Love is something you can't put into words.  Love is always feeling safe.  Love is that feeling you get as if seeing him for the first time all over again.  Love is easy.  Love is laughing, crying, playing, teasing.  Have you ever smiled until your cheeks hurt?  Do you get butterflies in your tummy just thinking of him?  Carrying on a conversation for hours and not noticing anyone else in the room, that is love.  Silence that is never awkward.  Staring into each other's eyes and knowing exactly what the other is thinking.  

Love is him showing up in cowboy boots and asking you to go mudding and all you can think of is, I don't care where we go, as long as I'm with you.  When a song comes on the radio and you smile because he sings it to you.  Love is knowing exactly what to say when you need to hear it most.  Love is having a relationship others are jealous of.

Love is being completely open and trusting with each other.  Love is a rare and unique relationship between two people that no one can explain, it's just that, love.

<3 Julie

Missing You

You've all seen those cute little e-cards, you know the ones that have a cute saying everyone is thinking yet no one says?  You've all seen the one that says Kids say the darnedest things, and then followed up by a cute, yet embarrassing story?

Well kids also ask the toughest questions.  I had my niece and nephew for a few days this last week.  After one busy day of baseball, I was getting ready to put them down for bed and all night I could tell something was up with my niece, she took a quick bath and didn't want to play, brushed her teeth in 3 minutes (instead of the 15 minutes it usually takes) so finally I took a moment and asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about.

She lowered her head and very quietly said, I miss my Dad so much.  Immediately my eyes filled with tears, it is such a tough subject to talk about, and especially tough with a 6 year old little girl.  The questions that followed were some of the hardest questions I have ever had to answer.  Why did my dad die?  How did my dad die?  Does everyone die?  Will you die?  Will my mom die?  Why didn't my friends dads die?  Did your dad die?  As I'm doing my best to answer her questions, in terms a 6 year old child can understand through tears and sobs of my own, my dog Charlie lays on her lap while she mindlessly twists her fingers in the fur of his ears.  He doesn't move his head, just lays on her lap letting her tug at his fur, doing his best to comfort her.  She looks down at him and says, will CharChar die?  Aunt JuJu, I'm scared to die.  Those were the words that hurt the most and brought sobs from my boys.  I wipe the tears from my eyes as I search for something comforting to say to her, knowing all ears are on me, because although they've never said it, I know my boys are scared of dying too, everyone is scared to die, everyone except those who are at the door of death and have accepted it.  I grab her hands and I tell her stories of what a wonderful brother her dad was, how he always had a smile on his face, he was always teasing us, laughing, cracking jokes, never in a million years did I know he was so sad on the inside.  I told her that I was very sad, because I missed her dad as much as she did.  I was sad for her and her little brother, and for my boys and every other little niece or nephew of my brother Jessie's, sad because they would never meet the fun loving, carefree person I knew.  I said I'm scared to die too, because I would never want to leave you or your brother or Dylan or Gage, but I know I won't die before my time because your dad is up there watching over me.  I know he is with us where ever we go, watching over and protecting us as we go through life.  I repeated the story of how when she was a little tiny girl she always said, Daddy, I want juice, in that little whiny voice.  I told stories of growing up with her dad, who became my best friend, the one person I knew I could turn to and say whatever I wanted and he would never judge, he would just listen.

You see once a child opens up to you, they just talk, they don't try and find the right words, or words that won't hurt as bad as others, they just say what is on their minds, no sugar coating it.

After an hour of telling stories and remembering the one we lost, everyone felt better, our eyes were dry, we had smiles on our faces and happy memories running through our heads.  You see, what she was so sad about was forgetting who her dad was, not being able to recall the sound of his voice, or the things they used to do before he left our lives.

Sometimes we have to take a walk down memory lane to bring back the happy thoughts.

<3 Julie