Friday, June 28, 2013

Running So Slow a Mosquito Bit Me

As the baseball season is winding down and coming to an end (blog post later), I have more time to actually run again! 

 I started running regularly about three and a half years ago when a friend of mine said, hey we should start running.  We both started, very slowly, and I mean VERY slowly, and I've stuck with it.  Running was something I wanted to do, but didn't know where to start.  Ok I knew where to start, I just didn't want people, or other runners to see me running, well walking at a pace a little quicker than a mall walk, and laugh or think, what the hell is she doing.  Now that I consider myself a runner, or part-time runner, I know that other runners would never look at a person and think that, they look at a person who wants to run and think, I remember being in their shoes.

The other night, I set out on my first run in a few days, ok, in over a week!  It's hot, it's humid and down right gross out, and I'm maybe a half mile in and I think, why do I keep doing this to myself?  Why do I build up a nice base and then stop for weeks on end?  I hate that side ache you get, the blisters on your toes, the pain in your legs the next day.  I hate the thought that I could run 5+ miles a day and now it's challenging just getting in 3 miles.  

I'm not one to follow the rules, even when it comes to running.  For crying out loud, my first mile was over 12 minutes!  As I climb to the top of the hill, I think, maybe I should have had more water today instead of those 3 glasses of tea and super nachos before I started out on this run.  Maybe I shouldn't breathe through my mouth, because now I have to choke up this bug that flew in and straight down my throat.  Maybe I should have worn a wick-a-way shirt, because this all cotton one is really hurting my arm pits right about now.  So I stop, because as I get to the top, these guys were looking at me like I was crazy.

But I LOVE running.  I love that running clears my head.  I love the feeling I have after a run, the feeling that I just went out there and kicked some ass!  (Even if it was only for 2 miles).  

Here's more of why I love to run: 
  1. I run to leave my troubles behind.
  2. I run to move forward.
  3. I run to be alone.
  4. I run to be with others.
  5. I run to push myself to my limits.
  6. I run to test myself.
  7. I run to think about everything.
  8. I run to think about nothing.
  9. I run to listen to my heart.
  10. I run to listen to my thoughts.
  11. I run to take in the scenery.
  12. I run to listen to the quiet.
  13. I run to just get out and go.
  14. I run to buy new shoes.
  15. I run to breathe.
  16. I run to relax.
  17. I run to energize.
  18. I run to get sweaty.
  19. I run to become breathless.
  20. I run to manage my weight.
  21. I run to enjoy that dessert
  22. I run to be fit.
  23. I run to be healthy.
  24. I run to have great lungs.
  25. I run to escape.
  26. I run to feel alive.
  27. I run to post it on Facebook and annoy people.
  28. I run to motivate others to get out there and move.
  29. And most importantly I run because it's cheaper than therapy
When I got back from my run, I felt amazing!  I was in such a better mood, I didn't feel exhausted and more importantly I felt like I deserved that ice cream bar.  So like any runner would do, I sat down and enjoyed every minute of it.  

<3 Julie

Wednesday, June 12, 2013

Still Coping Three Years Later

I woke up this morning and I thought, okay, today I'm not going to let it affect me.  That lasted all of 7 seconds before the tears filled my eyes.  You see three years ago today, on a day not much different from this, my brother committed suicide.  It's still one of the hardest things to talk about, I cry just mentioning it. I still ask myself all the questions I did that first day.  Why?  How?  Why would he want to leave his family?  I should have called him back sooner.  I should have asked him more questions about how he was feeling instead of always talking about how I was feeling.

Jessie Lee Meza

Suicide is something no one can explain.  No one has the answers to my questions.  I will never understand why.  But, as my then 8 year old son put it just hours after we received the news, I bet if Uncle Jessie knew how sad we would be he wouldn't have done it.  I hang on to those words because I know he is right.  I know my brother, the one person I turned to whenever I needed to talk, would never want to see me so sad.  

Did you know suicide is the 10th leading cause of death by Americans?  And that someone dies by suicide every 13.7 minutes?  I didn't either, until I lost my brother to suicide.  According to the American Foundation for Suicide Prevention ( more than 80% of us will lose someone to suicide in our lifetime. Those are all facts I remember each day I'm asked if I have any siblings.  Whenever someone asks what happened, I have trouble saying he committed suicide.

Until something hits home, usually you do not know any of the statistics.  I had to find a way to cope, a way to get through such a tragedy.  Since that day, three years ago, I continuously tell people I love them, I hug a little tighter, I listen a little closer.  I ask if they are ok, if something is bothering them, do you need to talk.  And I continuously tell people, let your loved ones know you care, because you never know who may need to hear it at that moment.

Since my brother's death, I've put together bits and pieces to help me understand why.  You see, my brother Roach died 4 years prior to Jessie's death and just 4 days prior to Jessie's death we buried a cousin, Dustin, who was more like a brother to us.  I believe in my heart, that Jessie missed them so much, that he wanted to be with them, he couldn't stand the fact that he had lost two of his best friends and would have to face the world without them.  At 29 years old, losing not one, but two people you care so much about is a very difficult thing to face and he couldn't do it, he couldn't go on living asking himself, why he survived and they didn't.

Roach H. Meza

Dustin Lee Pearce 

This morning when I woke up I thought I would be okay.  I'm doing better than last year on this day, and even better than the year before, but tears still fall down my cheeks as I recall a memory, read a text message, or hear a song.  But I'm coping better today, than I have the last three years and I will continue to be a strong woman, that I know my brother would want me to be.

Let your friends and family know how much they mean to you - you never know who needs to hear it.  <3 Julie

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

Smiling Through My Eyes

When you think of love what do you think of?  How do you know what love is?  

Love is something you can't put into words.  Love is always feeling safe.  Love is that feeling you get as if seeing him for the first time all over again.  Love is easy.  Love is laughing, crying, playing, teasing.  Have you ever smiled until your cheeks hurt?  Do you get butterflies in your tummy just thinking of him?  Carrying on a conversation for hours and not noticing anyone else in the room, that is love.  Silence that is never awkward.  Staring into each other's eyes and knowing exactly what the other is thinking.  

Love is him showing up in cowboy boots and asking you to go mudding and all you can think of is, I don't care where we go, as long as I'm with you.  When a song comes on the radio and you smile because he sings it to you.  Love is knowing exactly what to say when you need to hear it most.  Love is having a relationship others are jealous of.

Love is being completely open and trusting with each other.  Love is a rare and unique relationship between two people that no one can explain, it's just that, love.

<3 Julie

Monday, June 10, 2013

Missing You

You've all seen those cute little e-cards, you know the ones that have a cute saying everyone is thinking yet no one says?  You've all seen the one that says Kids say the darnedest things, and then followed up by a cute, yet embarrassing story?

Well kids also ask the toughest questions.  I had my niece and nephew for a few days this last week.  After one busy day of baseball, I was getting ready to put them down for bed and all night I could tell something was up with my niece, she took a quick bath and didn't want to play, brushed her teeth in 3 minutes (instead of the 15 minutes it usually takes) so finally I took a moment and asked if there was anything she wanted to talk about.

She lowered her head and very quietly said, I miss my Dad so much.  Immediately my eyes filled with tears, it is such a tough subject to talk about, and especially tough with a 6 year old little girl.  The questions that followed were some of the hardest questions I have ever had to answer.  Why did my dad die?  How did my dad die?  Does everyone die?  Will you die?  Will my mom die?  Why didn't my friends dads die?  Did your dad die?  As I'm doing my best to answer her questions, in terms a 6 year old child can understand through tears and sobs of my own, my dog Charlie lays on her lap while she mindlessly twists her fingers in the fur of his ears.  He doesn't move his head, just lays on her lap letting her tug at his fur, doing his best to comfort her.  She looks down at him and says, will CharChar die?  Aunt JuJu, I'm scared to die.  Those were the words that hurt the most and brought sobs from my boys.  I wipe the tears from my eyes as I search for something comforting to say to her, knowing all ears are on me, because although they've never said it, I know my boys are scared of dying too, everyone is scared to die, everyone except those who are at the door of death and have accepted it.  I grab her hands and I tell her stories of what a wonderful brother her dad was, how he always had a smile on his face, he was always teasing us, laughing, cracking jokes, never in a million years did I know he was so sad on the inside.  I told her that I was very sad, because I missed her dad as much as she did.  I was sad for her and her little brother, and for my boys and every other little niece or nephew of my brother Jessie's, sad because they would never meet the fun loving, carefree person I knew.  I said I'm scared to die too, because I would never want to leave you or your brother or Dylan or Gage, but I know I won't die before my time because your dad is up there watching over me.  I know he is with us where ever we go, watching over and protecting us as we go through life.  I repeated the story of how when she was a little tiny girl she always said, Daddy, I want juice, in that little whiny voice.  I told stories of growing up with her dad, who became my best friend, the one person I knew I could turn to and say whatever I wanted and he would never judge, he would just listen.

You see once a child opens up to you, they just talk, they don't try and find the right words, or words that won't hurt as bad as others, they just say what is on their minds, no sugar coating it.

After an hour of telling stories and remembering the one we lost, everyone felt better, our eyes were dry, we had smiles on our faces and happy memories running through our heads.  You see, what she was so sad about was forgetting who her dad was, not being able to recall the sound of his voice, or the things they used to do before he left our lives.

Sometimes we have to take a walk down memory lane to bring back the happy thoughts.

<3 Julie

Wednesday, June 5, 2013

No Turning Back

My very first blog post!  Don't be surprised if it isn't perfect, my friends twisted my arm and told me to go after it, and so here it is, besides what blog is perfect?  And here I go, just like in life, I jump right into things, with very little introduction!  I'm Julie, single mom of 2 teenage boys, ok well not teenagers just yet, close enough, 11 & 13.  Outside of being a taxi driver, cheerleader, coach, chef, housekeeper, and personal shopper for the boys, I work full time in the legal field, I also sell designer denim and an amazing skin-care product.  In my free time, (according to my latest Facebook post I have NO time) I enjoy running, going to the gym, spending time with my family and friends, walking with my dog, Charlie, laying out in the warm sunshine, sports, both playing and watching, reading, wine, and of course what girl doesn't like shopping.  I feel like I'm on one of those dating websites, long walks on the beach, quiet romantic dinners.  Just kidding....

For the first time in my life I bought, and am actually USING, a planner!  Yes, I bought it in May, halfway through the year.  Do you know how hard it is to find a planner in May?!  I don't know if it's just because this year is extremely busy or if it has always been like this, but, I couldn't keep up with who was going where and what I was supposed to be doing.  I'm not sure how I survived my entire life without a planner.  Which leads me to my Why Blog?

I can't be the only single parent, or any parent or person for that matter, out there with a MILLION things going on and a million more things going through my head all the time.  So I wanted to blog, a place to keep all my thoughts, the things I encounter during my daily grind of work, kids, family, and life.  I've been thinking of doing this for many months now.  Most people who want to start blogging, write down all the topics they can write a blog post on, go ahead Google it, that's what I did, Step 2, Make a list of topics.  You know what I did?  I couldn't make a list of things I could blog about, but I came up with 2 pages of things people I knew could start a blog on!  You may laugh and shake your head at that one, but that's who I am!

They say your first blog post is the hardest, that is so true for me, I have spent month after month thinking, what should I write about first, every day I actually encounter something and say to my self, this would totally make a great blog post.

So bare with me as I work on my blogging abilities and creativity.  Yes I know, there are no pictures, where is your Pinterest link and why didn't you link your Facebook to this?  A work in progress readers, just like life.

<3 Julie